By
Bonnie Dubrow
I'm
not sure whether I heard this or read it ~ where or when. All I know is these
words keep popping into my head. And whenever they do, they empower me to take
action... which is exactly what I need to do when I hear them.
Sometimes
I get stuck. No matter how much I know about personal and spiritual
transformation, how much I practice what I know, or how carefully I
plan my day or my life, sometimes I get stuck. Can you relate?
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I Don't Want To Do “IT”
I
know what I need to do. Sometimes I just don’t want to.
Maybe I
don't feel like doing ‘it.’ If it's because there's something I'd rather do at
that moment, and there won't be negative consequences from postponing 'it,' I
follow my heart's desire. If, on the other hand, what I want to avoid has a
deadline (mine or someone else's) and I want to avoid the consequence of my not
doing 'it' right away (for whatever reason,) then the only way out is through... I 'just
do it!'
Sometimes
I don't want to do 'it' because I'm scared... because it's hard or because
I am afraid the results won't be "good enough."
Just
like in the earlier example, if ‘it’ has to get done, I "just do it!"
This
may mean I need to give myself extra time. I might need to start sooner,
work longer, or divide the task into smaller chunks. There are many
options for how to tackle these kinds of challenges, aren't there?
Sometimes
I don’t want to do ‘it’ because I don't know how.
I
might need to ask for help or delegate 'it' to someone else, which could be an
issue in and of itself. Sometimes I don't like asking for help. Maybe I don't
know who to ask and finding someone is a whole new project. Or I'm afraid I
can't afford the help. Or I'm afraid their involvement will cause delays in my
timeline. Does it sound to you like I'm making excuses?
When
I sound like this to me, I know it's time for me to decide if 'it' has got to
get done. If the answer is a resounding 'YES!' then I know the only way out is through...
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I Don’t Want to Feel the Way I’m
Feeling
There
are times when I feel sad, hurt, disappointed, angry, even judgmental, and I
don't want to be feeling that way. I've got many options here. If I can
shift my focus to something that's uplifting, inspiring, or simply helps me
feel better, I shift. If my attention keeps drifting back to the subject that
triggered my negative feelings, that's a good indication that I need to sit
with the emotions to find out what treasures are hidden within. The only way out is through...
Maybe
the gift is revealed and I move on. Often I discover that I have some work to
do around the issue. When I can’t get to the bottom of it by myself through
journaling, meditation, self-exploration and such, I talk with a trusted
friend, coach or counselor.
There
have been times when I’ve needed to have a difficult conversation with someone.
What’s stopped me? I've been scared... scared their feelings would be hurt... scared
they'll get mad... or they might not understand me ~ what I'm thinking and
feeling, what I'm going through… or I believe there is no solution because
we've talked about 'it' before and we've reached an impasse. Sometimes I'm
afraid talking about 'it' will make things worse, or do irrevocable damage to
the relationship.
One
thing I've learned ~ the hard way ~ is that often, though not always, if the
conversation is inevitable, the sooner I have it the better. Usually, the
sooner I expressed myself, the less emotionally charged I am.
If,
on the other hand, I'm already extremely upset, hurt, angry or in some other
emotionally charged state, I’ve given myself a chance to cool off first. On
occasion, I’ve even asked a neutral third party to facilitate the conversation.
Regardless of how I’ve had this difficult conversation, the only way out has been through…
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I’m Going Through a Tough
Transition
While
I've confirmed to myself many times over that “the only way out is through,” I have found it most helpful during
tough transitions. About two years ago, I went through the toughest transition
I’d ever experienced. I chose to end the
longest and most important relationship of my life. I had been business and
life partners with one man for many years, yet for reasons too personal and
complicated to describe here, I knew
I needed to make some changes.
I
had already taken my own advice many times over ~ I shifted my attention, sat with
my anger and tears, had the difficult conversations, accepted what I could,
changed what I could ~ and still I knew it was time to hit the eject button. I
did this in stages... I asked him to move out, then months later with nothing had
been resolved, I ended the personal relationship, then a month later the
professional one.
I
thought I was prepared for the transitions I knew would follow the major
changes I was making. I had ended relationships before, and had lived alone for
most of my adult life. Being single wasn't a big deal, I thought. And I had
been grieving my losses for months already. So I figured I could handle the
personal transition. I was wrong…
My
biggest fears were about my professional and financial future. I had been
working in his businesses for many years, so when I quit, I knew I'd have no
income and I would have to start my own career... again…
I
had already re-invented myself and my career several times in the past. While
the transitions were tough, I got through them. This time felt different. I was
burned out, depressed and my self-esteem was nowhere to be found. “How the heck
was I going to go out into the world to network and market myself, let alone
coach others?” I asked myself.
Yet
what choice did I have? I was on my own again, responsible for supporting
myself, so out I went into the world to re-activate my coaching business. I
figured I could fake it 'til I made it. I'd done it before. And this time I was
a seasoned coach, with many satisfied clients and years of experience under my
belt. I'd built a practice when most people hadn't even heard of coaching other
than for athletes and performing artists. If I did it then, I could do it
again, right? Wrong again.... at least not at that time...
After
a few months of trying ~ even succeeding here and there ~ I couldn't do it any
more. I needed to recover, to mourn and grieve, to discover who I had become, to
recharge, re-evaluate, and re-invent myself.
For
several months the only way out was in. I cried, I slept, I read, I wrote
in my journal and talked to close friends and family members, I did yoga and
meditated, I gardened, and I did a lot of sitting like a lump... feeling sorry
for myself, feeling lost, scared, sad, angry, and depressed ... I didn't know
if I had what it would take to start over ... again ... or even if I wanted to.
I
was stuck in “the Void”... the dark night of the soul... and there I stayed for
what felt like forever.
I
started working with a life coach. Gradually my heart and mind began to heal;
my energy and faith returned. I have come to accept that no matter how "good" or
"spiritual" I am, there is no avoiding major life changes, endings
and tough transitions. I cannot avoid mourning and grieving; they are part of
the healing process. So is being lost in the dark night of the soul. During
the darkest hours I was healed by my tears and personally and spiritually
transformed by the moments of hope, joy, appreciation and gratitude
for my tough transition.
I began
to see the light at the end of the tunnel, then finally I found myself standing
on solid ground.
That’s
when I decided to create Lifelines to Laughlines™, the program I wished I had
found while I was lost and hurting… the program for people going through a
tough transition who don’t want to go it alone.
Now
with great confidence I can say to you sometimes
the only way out is through...
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- Hi, how are you?
- Fine, thanks.
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