by Bonnie Dubrow

NOTE: This article appeared in the July-August issue of Space Coast Woman, a newspaper published and distributed in Brevard County, Florida.

Going through a tough time? You are not alone!

We’ve all experienced major life changes and the tough transitions that follow. You know the ones… you’re cruising along, then the next moment you’re caught in a storm, struggling to come up for air.

There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken… You’re not crazy… You’re human… living in challenging times.… and change is a guaranteed part of being human. None of us are immune from, above or beyond change. In fact, one thing you can count on is change.

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You’re Human… Change Happens!

It doesn’t matter who or what initiates the change; whether we’re prepared or taken by surprised; whether it’s desired or not; or in what area of our lives, personal or professional. There could be one major change or several… major and/or minor… simultaneously or in sequence… related in some way… or independent of each other.

Consider this… If we were to make a check list of the above mentioned options, and I asked you to check off those that best describe one change you experienced, you’d check off several of the characteristics. If I asked you to bring to mind a different major change, and identify the characteristics that best describe that event, you might choose the opposite ones. This would be true for others as well.

So what might we conclude? While any combination of these characteristics can describe a major life change, none are what makes the transition that follows a difficult one. In addition, what triggers a tough transition for one person might not do so for another. Even more fascinating… what triggers a tough transition for you at one time in your life may not do so at another.

Here's something else that’s interesting ... We often think that what makes a transition difficult is that we’ve experienced a major loss of some sort. It could be something that you've gained or welcomed into your life that is the cause of turbulent times... like aging parents, or a grown child moving back home ... maybe with young children of their own ...  a job promotion... a new born baby… a marriage, especially one that creates an instant or blended family... All these changes disrupt our normal routines creating a loss of control, and come with their own challenges and losses, even as they are also blessings.

So, if it’s not the person, situation or event that makes the difference, what’s the difference that makes the difference?

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What Makes a Transition Tough?

Here are a few characteristics that tough transitions have in common. Keep in mind that while you might experience one or more of these qualities with any particular change, you don’t need to experience them all to have a rocky experience. The bottom line is that tough transitions have a huge impact on us.

• We question who we are or think we are.
• The life we knew and the world itself has changed. Our daily routine is disrupted… Things are a mess ~ inside and out ~ and there’s no going back.
• We don’t know what’s important to us any more.
• We don’t know if we have the energy, let alone the desire, to continue, or start over.
• Our emotions are so powerful that they interfere with our ability to function effectively.

Rough times mean negative feelings ~ confusion,  scary, even immobilizing fear… There may be moments of positive feelings ~ love, joy, ease. They happen significantly less often, are shorter in duration and are less intense than we’re used to. More often than not, we experience a mixture of emotions… confusing, overwhelming, even disruptive emotions and mood swings … ones we’re sometimes unable to control.

This is especially true when what we’re experiencing is different from what friends, family, and others in our society expect of us. It’s important to remember that there is no right or wrong, good or bad way to go through turbulent times. There’s only your personal experience. Comparing how you’re dealing with your transition to anyone else’s situation or reactions, or even to your own expectations only make your journey through the dark times even darker and more confusing.

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Where Do We Go From Here?

So, what can we do to light the way? How can we cope with what’s happening to and around us? How do we plan for tomorrow when today is turned upside down? What can we do to learn from and be healed by the very times we’d prefer to avoid? And why is this happening to me in the first place?

These are huge questions with no short answers, as I’m sure you realize. And often each new answer inspire new questions. So I’ll say a bit more to put closure on today’s article, and offer you the opportunity to read more in coming issues of Space Coast Woman and on my website, www.lifetolaugh.com.

Keep in mind that there will always be change. When we’re in the midst of a rough transition, it’s easy to forget that we do get through it. There is life after transition. In fact, we end up in a place where we can enjoy who we’ve become and apply what we’ve learned. We end up with greater clarity about our values and life’s purpose and the personal power to create a life that really works for us.

For now remember, a smile is a frown turned up side down.